Category Archives: Humor

WATCH: New Trailer Debut Of Comedy ‘The Hitman’s Bodyguard’ Starring Samuel L. Jackson And Ryan Reynolds

 WATCH: New Trailer Debut Of Comedy ‘The Hitman’s Bodyguard’ Starring Samuel L. Jackson And Ryan Reynolds

The world’s top protection agent [Ryan Reynolds] is called upon to guard the life of his mortal enemy, one of the world’s most notorious hitmen [Samuel L. Jackson]. The relentless bodyguard and manipulative assassin have been on the opposite end of the bullet for years and are thrown together for a wildly outrageous 24 hours. During their raucous and hilarious adventure from England to the Hague, they encounter high-speed car chases, outlandish boat escapades and a merciless Eastern European dictator [Gary Oldman] who is out for blood. Salma Hayek joins the mayhem as Jackson’s equally notorious wife. 

The film will be “hitting” your theatres on August 18. Watch the trailer below;

Tyler Perry Moves Forward With ‘Boo 2! A Madea Halloween’ This October!

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The Humor Mill

“We’ll Fight Till We’re Dead Or We’re Free”

According to reports on Twitter, Denis Johnson has died. 

He was forever annoyed that reporters overwhelmingly wanted to ask him aboutJesus’ Son, his brief, perfect 1992 volume of connected stories. It was a strange thing to be bothered by. Who wouldn’t want to repeatedly lay claim to such greatness?

Additionally, Johnson authored Angels, a bruising, heartbreaking 1983 novel about a single mom toting her at-risk family through the underbelly of America. It does not have the lightness of tone that JS has. Not at all. It leaves a bruise. The writer also turned out some fine journalism. The following re-post is about one such offering.

· · ·

ja09090 “We’ll Fight Till We’re Dead Or We’re Free”

There will always be some who retreat from the culture, go off by themselves or in pairs or groups. They’ll disappear into their own heads, create their own reality. For most it’s benign, but not for all. The deeper they retreat, the harder it will be to reemerge. There are those who don’t even want to live parallel to the larger society and come to believe they can end it. They sometimesexplode backinto their former world, committing acts of domestic terrorism.

Such groups were addressed by Johnson in the chilling reportage “The Militia in Me,” which appears in his 2001 non-fiction collection, SeekThe violence of Ruby Ridge and Waco and the horrific Oklahoma City bombing had shocked the nation into realizing the terror within, so Johnson traveled the U.S. and Canada to find out how and why militias had come to be. The writer, paranoid about both the government and the anti-government movement in 1990s America, couldn’t have predicted at the time the mainstreaming of conspiracists like Alex Jones and his ilk. He was fearful of attacks from the margins, unaware that the sideshow would soon take its place in the center ring.

Three brief excerpts from the article.

________________________________________

The people I talked with seemed to imply that the greatest threat to liberty came from a conspiracy, or several overlapping conspiracies, well known to everybody but me. As a framework for thought, this has its advantages. It’s quicker to call a thing a crime and ask Who did it? than to call it a failure and set about answering the question What happened?

________________________________________

I’m one among many, part of a disparate–sometimes better spelled “desperate”–people, self-centered, shortsighted, stubborn, sentimental, richer than anybody’s ever been, trying to get along in the most cataclysmic century in human history. Many of us are troubled that somewhere, somehow, the system meant to keep us free has experienced a failure. A few believe that someone has committed the crime of sabotaging everything.

Failures need correction. Crimes cry out for punishment. Some ask: How do we fix it? Others: Who do we kill?

________________________________________

They told me they made furniture out of antlers and drove around anywhere and everywhere, selling it. For the past month I’d been reading about the old days, missing them as if I had lived in them, and I said, “You sound like free Americans.”

“No,” the smaller man said and thereafter did all the talking, while the other, the blond driver changed my tire. “No American is free today.”

“Okay, I guess you’re right, but what do we do about that?”

“We fight till we are,” he said. “Till we’re free or we’re dead, one or the other.”

“Who’s going to do the fighting?”

“A whole lot of men. More than you’d imagine. We’ll fight till we’re dead or we’re free.”•

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“Many Of The Juiciest Trump Pieces Have Been Broken By Her”

19ourwoman maggie master675 “Many Of The Juiciest Trump Pieces Have Been Broken By Her”

Excellent profile in Elle by Rachael Combe of the New York Times’ seemingly superhuman White House correspondent Maggie Haberman, who probably didn’t expect to be courted like Adele and Angelina by glossies prior to this Baba Booey of an election season not being canceled as expected on November 8. Glenn Thrush has become a “star” on SNL and Haberman in Elle. I’d wager they’d both trade their newfound lower-case pop-culture status for some semblance of normalcy.

As I’ve mentioned before no U.S. news organization (at least thus far) has proven to possess great sources in regards to Russiagate, which is what we desperately require now. That’s a fault of the press but also a reality of the shocking media shift we’ve experienced over the last 20 years, as we’ve moved into the Digital Age, which has caused enough belt tightening at what we formerly called newspapers to crack a hip.

Well-staffed overseas bureaus with connections to European Intelligence are not cheap, but they might have come in handy right about now. In fact, they likely would have been more useful during the election before the voting booths opened. Numerous failings and circumstances put Donald Trump in the Oval Office, and while the destabilization of legacy news organizations isn’t the number one reason, it’s on the list.

Still, there are many talented reporters at the Times and Washington Post and elsewhere working tirelessly to uncover important truths. Haberman is among them, and even when I disagree with her, I’m never less than amazed by her efforts. She may have been “outed” by WikiLeaks as being a favorite of John Podesta and Team Hillary, but she’s also lauded as an “honest journalist who happens to be a very good person” and with other kind terms by key figures of the Trump campaign and White House. That (and her work) tells me she’s very polite while being “wickedly competitive.” Whatever the dynamic, Trump has found it impossible to quit her.

An excerpt:

Journalists have become part of the story in the Trump administration, enablers and heroes of a nonstop political and constitutional soap opera, and last year Haberman was the most widely read journalist at the Times, according to its analytics. Many of the juiciest Trump pieces have been broken by her: That story about him spending his evenings alone in a bathrobe, watching cable news? Haberman reported and wrote it with her frequent collaborator, Glenn Thrush. The time Trump called the Times to blame the collapse of the Obamacare repeal on the Democrats? It was Haberman he dialed. When he accused former national security adviser Susan Rice of committing crimes, and defended Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly against the sexual harassment claims that would soon end his career at the network? Haberman and Thrush again, with their colleague Matthew Rosenberg. And since President Trump fired FBI director James Comey, Haberman has been on the frontlines of the nonstop news bombshells that have been lobbed, bylining or credited with a reporting assist on around two dozen stories in two weeks. They range from an extraordinarily intimateaccountof a “sour and dark” Trump berating his staff as “incompetent” to the revelation thatTrump called Comey a “nutjob” in an Oval Office meeting with the Russians the day after his dismissal, telling them that Comey’s ouster had relieved the pressure of the investigation into possible collusion between Russia and his campaign.

Trump frequently complains about Haberman’s coverage. He’s tweeted, at various points, that she’s “third-rate,” “sad,” and “totally in the Hillary circle of bias,” and he almost exclusively refers to the Times as “failing” and “fake news.” But no matter what Haberman writes about Trump, he has never frozen her out.Slate called her Trump’s “snake charmer”; New Yorker editor in chief David Remnick recently likened Trump to her “ardent, twisted suitor.” “I didn’t care for that metaphor,” Haberman says. She finds the framing of her relationship with the president in romantic terms “facile.” No one suggests her male colleagues are “wooing” Trump.

While the president and the reporter couldn’t seem more different—Trump, the flamboyant tycoon and Manhattan establishment aspirant known for his devil- may-care mendacity; and Haberman, a political insider known for her straight-shooting truth telling—the points at which their histories and personalities converge are revealing about both the media and the president himself. Trump wants what she can give him access to—a kind of status he’s always craved in a newspaper that, she says, “holds an enormously large place in his imagination.” Haberman, for her part, has become a front-page fixture and a Fourth Estate folk hero. “This is a symbiotic relationship,” says an administration official. “Part of the reason” Haberman is so read in the Times “is because she is writing about Donald Trump.”•

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Water Turns Frosty

Beauty as water temperature changes amidst a sunny and snowy backdrop.

slo mo water throwing in freezing temperature Water Turns Frosty

“Slo-mo water throwing in freezing temperature.”
Image courtesy of http://gifb.in/tlRV.

Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Apr. 11, 2017]

That video of the doctor being dragged off the plane and then the airline’s response to it has turned into an absolute nightmare from a PR standpoint. Even Pepsi was like, I wouldn’t want to be you guys this week. – Jimmy Kimmel

Meanwhile, President Trump has been flying a lot lately, privately, of course. Donald Trump is on pace to spend more on travel in his first year as president than president Obama spent all eight years in office combined. The president’s trips to Florida every weekend have already cost more than $ 20 million of taxpayer money. See, this is the guy we need United to drag off the plane. – Jimmy Kimmel

Because of the scandals, “The O’Reilly Factor” has lost 2/3 of its advertisers in one week. On the bright side, United Airlines is still with him! – Conan O’Brien

Trump has also played 16 rounds of golf in his first 80 days, one round every five days. You turn on the TV, a lot of people are complaining Donald Trump’s off playing golf instead of working. I don’t understand that. I want him off playing golf instead of working. I’d like him to join the senior PGA tour. – Jimmy Kimmel

During his daily briefing, Sporty Spice, as he is known, made an absolutely incredible statement about Syrian President Assad, that if it wasn’t so disturbing, would have been Hitler-ious. He said, even someone as despicable as Hitler didn’t sink to using chemical weapons, which of course is very wrong. Sean Spicer might be the only press secretary who needs a press secretary. – Jimmy Kimmel

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson is in Russia, but Russian President Vladimir Putin won’t meet with him. Putin said, “Sorry but I only meet with members of the Trump administration before the election.” – Conan O’Brien

Today is the beginning of the Jewish holiday of Passover, where families gather for a meal and recall a story of ancient grievances. Or as that’s known in my family, “Thanksgiving”. – Conan O’Brien

This week, Jewish people all over the world are celebrating Passover. Or as I call it, the Festival of Missing Writers. – Conan O’Brien

This weekend, Bill Clinton tweeted that he was in Houston visiting Former President George H.W. Bush. However, he ended the tweet with #Alibi. – Conan O’Brien

share save 171 16 Late Night Political Humor

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Political Irony

Trump Stops Winning

It seems like almost everyone is on to Donald Trump. He finally gave a speech that was designed to be presidential. And his speech in the middle east was actually presidential.

Except that virtually nobody believed a word of it. He said reasonable things about Muslims. But Muslims are not so stupid. As one Muslim university professor put it “[The speech] will be met with deep skepticism in the Muslim world because Trump has been hostile and offensive to Muslims.”

Back in the US, politicians from both parties didn’t believe Trump either. After all, Trump was praising Saudi Arabia and enlisting them to fight terrorism. Even though Saudi Arabia was the homeland of the majority of the perpetrators of 9/11. More recently, in 2015 Saudi Arabia beheaded more people than ISIS.

Trump’s base, who lapped up Trump’s blatant Islamophobia during the campaign, was aghast. Trump’s longtime friend Roger Stone said the speech made him “want to puke”. When Trump called Islam “one of the world’s great faiths” you could almost hear the base implode. Trump even seemed to scared to utter the phrase “radical Islamic terrorism”, despite the fact that he had berated Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton for doing the same thing for years. Trump’s most loyal supporters started calling him “President Cuck”.

The media was mostly unimpressed. The only effusive praise came from Breitbart, Steve Bannon’s old rag.

Trump has spent his life telling people just what they wanted to hear. He lies to everyone, and finally, in Trump’s clumsy attempt to appear presidential, they all saw him for what he is — someone who only has regard for himself and not even the slightest regard for the truth. Reality TV is still TV, and isn’t actually real.

How bad is it? Even Trump’s wife swatted away his hand when he tried to touch her.

share save 171 16 Trump Stops Winning

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Political Irony

New D&D magic spells, designed by neural network

lewisandquark:

I’ve trained this open-source neural network framework on a variety of datasets, including recipes, Pokemon, knock-knock jokes, and pick up lines

Here’s the latest: a list of 365 different spells you can cast in Dungeons and Dragons. 

It’s a really small dataset, actually – so small that in almost no time at all, it learned to reproduce the original input data verbatim, in order. But by setting the “temperature” flag to a really high value (i.e. it has a higher chance of NOT going with its best guess for the next character in the phrase), I can at least induce spelling mistakes. Then the neural network has to try to recover from these, with often entertaining results.

I give you: D&D magic spells, designed by neural network

Moss Healing Word
Hold Mouse
Barking Sphere
Heat on Farm
True Steake
Finger of Enftebtemang
Fomend’s Beating Sphere
Purping Lightsin
Farming
Wrathful Hound
Q’s Invisibility
Cow of Auraly
Mind Blark
Stone Share
Puijune Magic Furs
Grove of Plants
Conjure Velemert
Vicious Markers
End Wall
Mous of Farts
Cursing
Gland Growth

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Blogtastic!

Spray Can Surprise

Marble collection in the making.

MbanQOF Spray Can Surprise

“The ball in spray paint cans is actually a marble, am I the only one who thought it was metal?”
Image courtesy of http://imgur.com/gallery/MbanQOF.

#TrumpRussia … Flynn may be a mole but Trump wants him on his lip or in his belly

 #TrumpRussia ... Flynn may be a mole but Trump wants him on his lip or in his belly

 #TrumpRussia ... Flynn may be a mole but Trump wants him on his lip or in his belly

The problem is whether any moles exist in the WH, if it’s all about the money, since in a Trumpian world, loyalty is difficult to buy over dinner.

In Trumpland, Comey just hadn’t got enough of the vigorish. Everyone has their price. After all, Vlad Putin is going to get a big payday when those Crimea sanctions get lifted.

It even may be too late to get The Donald’s name onto the Nobel Peace Prize shortlist. If Dylan gets the Literature Prize, who can deny the golfer-in-chief.

 #TrumpRussia ... Flynn may be a mole but Trump wants him on his lip or in his belly

President Donald Trump‘s first trip abroad will be to the volatile Middle East, so security will be paramount for the commander in chief.

 #TrumpRussia ... Flynn may be a mole but Trump wants him on his lip or in his belly
No one should believe anything the National Enquirer writes. The fact that the National Enquirer says Flynn is a Russian spy likely means Flynn isn’t a Russian spy. But this story matters because the man who runs the National Enquirer, David Pecker,  is a huge longtime friend of Trump. The Enquirer only runs stories that help Trump. And there is no way the Enquirer would run this story unless Team Trump thought this story helped Trump.
So the real question is why the White House thinks it’s to Trump’s advantage to suddenly throw Flynn under the bus… And finally, the “best” spin the White House could come up with is that a Russian mole got inside the White House. What’s the worse spin? What possible story could the White House be trying to hide, protect if they’re using the claim “Trump hired a Russian spy in the White House” as cover?

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 #TrumpRussia ... Flynn may be a mole but Trump wants him on his lip or in his belly
DAKghrRVoAUX4vO #TrumpRussia ... Flynn may be a mole but Trump wants him on his lip or in his belly

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moranbetterDemocrats

Tire Hernia

Refrain from straining.

Zh0SmlU Tire Hernia

“She’s about to blow!”
Image courtesy of http://imgur.com/gallery/gqzM6.