If you needed any more reasons to smash capitalism… shrimp fried rice

 If you needed any more reasons to smash capitalism... shrimp fried rice

After reading about Ted Malloch, InfoWars’s anti-Satanist business professor being snatched by the Feebs, it seems that we are reaching peak absurdity this week.

The following twitter thread looks like it could unfold in FB rather than Twitter, but is symptomatic of toxic work environments, as if it would be odd to question whether the office fridge really needed a surveillance camera (h/t kos).

There’s at least one red herring, although maybe that’s a side-order. There are some gaps in the narrative, or at least facts not in evidence. But Newsweek now thinks it’s a thing.

Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.

— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) March 29, 2018

  • The lunch in question was shrimp fried rice which means this escalates from a misdemeanor to felony no doubt
  • Case facts:
  • Lunch was in fridge for less than an hour before it vanished. No shrimp smell remnants in the microwave or kitchen area. This was a professional hit no doubt
  • HOLY SHIT. He’s back. He watched the tape. He knows who did it.
  • So the man who’s lunch was stolen sits across from me. The person who stole his lunch sits RIGHT NEXT TO ME! She left for the day before the investigation started
  • According to the video, this psychopath DIDNT EVEN EAT THE FOOD. She took it out of the fridge and threw and buried it in the trash
  • Her motives remain completely unknown. In lieu of what he saw on the tape he has decided to not to press the matter anymore. I can’t say I blame him. We don’t know what this women’s fully capable of
  • Points to clarify: he bought the shrimp fried rice around 11:30am (carry out) and put it in the fridge to chill until he takes lunch at noon. So she had exactly a 30min window of time to do what she did. There was no intention of microwaving the food
  • Update: Ok so when dude watched the video with HR they asked “what do you want to do about it?” he told them he was solely interested in who did it and that he didn’t want to be responsible for someone getting fired
  • After charges were dropped, HR sent a company wide email about not stealing people’s lunches. She is scheduled to arrive at work in 20min. My blood is on cocaine
  • She has walked into the room. And the room is dead silent. Dead fucking silent yet there is a palpable explosive energy pulsing through everyone but her
  • From the moment she walked in, I’ve just been staring at her. Watched her open her email and now she clicked on the goddamn HR email! Holy fuck strap in – here we go!
  • I can’t move. I simply cannot move, anything could happen right now
  • !!!! After seeing the HR email she says out loud “woah. Someone stole a lunch? Who would do something like that?” !!! I may have to run out of this room
  • After she said that, shrimp guy responds “well yea it’s not ok to throw someone’s food away” we’re all about to start screaming
  • This shits about to get crazier. After he says that she goes “oh it was your lunch?” BEAT she continues “well why would you go to HR about that?!”
  • She has simultaneously denied her involvement AND called the guy who saved her job a snitch!!!!!!!!!
  • Dude just sighed and went back to work after she said what she said. She looks frightwningly calm
  • I’ll keep updating if anything else occurs but all I can say is that EVERYONE in the office from the janitor to the founder knows what she did. She now carries an invisible scarlet letter
  • This is real. This is happening. We know who did it but we don’t know why. It’s a post production company so we’re in fact open today. She’s been sitting 3ft from me this whole time

Post production indeed. Dunning-Kruger meets Dunder-Mifflin.

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