[A brilliantly sarcastic column by Rex Huppke in the Chicago Trubune.]

Republican senators must acquit Trump in impeachment trial before any more truth leaks out

As a staunch supporter of President Donald Trump, I demand that Republican senators in charge of the upcoming impeachment trial swiftly acquit the commander in chief before any more truth leaks out.

On Wednesday, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi named seven impeachment managers and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has said he expects the trial to begin next week. But we learned Tuesday, in documents handed over by an associate of Trump’s personal attorney, Rudy Giuliani, that Giuliani was working with the president’s “knowledge and consent” to press Ukrainians for political dirt on former Vice President Joe Biden.

The document cache from Soviet-born Florida businessman Lev Parnas, who is facing federal charges of illegally funneling foreign donations to U.S. political candidates, also suggest that Trump-aligned Americans might have been electronically surveilling the U.S. ambassador in Kyiv around the time the administration was trying to oust her.

Look, I remain convinced Trump did nothing wrong and is totally great and innocent, but that’s only because, like most in the MAGA community, I’m smart enough to ignore evidence that might otherwise change my mind.

But the release of these documents is, to use a legal term, “not good.” A letter from Giuliani to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskiy sent shortly before Zelenskiy’s inauguration, makes clear that Giuliani was representing Trump “as a private citizen, not as President of the United States.” It was sent before a planned trip to the Ukraine in which Giuliani said he would be pushing Ukrainian officials for an investigation that would be “very, very helpful to my client.”

If one was to pay attention to this “evidence,” it might seem to draw into question President Trump’s defense that he held up military aid to Ukraine because it was in America’s interest. It might seem like further evidence the president was leveraging congressionally approved military funding to an ally to extract dirt he could use against a potential political opponent.

I will not allow this evidence to draw anything into question, but I will allow it to make me not want to see any more evidence. So again, Republican senators need to step to the plate and shut this impeachment thing down.

The appropriate response to these truth leaks is to not hold a proper trial that includes witnesses and documentary evidence but to simply clear the president of wrongdoing before any more examples of so-called wrongdoing surface. I mean, if the dam is leaking, you don’t call witnesses, you stick your finger in the dam and pray that it holds. That’s just common sense.

The last thing we need is to see a great president, who we Trump supporters have built up to be an avatar of American strength and decency, get knocked down by stupid things like facts. Next thing you know we’ll be hearing evidence that suggests Trump-aligned actors were plotting against a U.S. ambassador using language that sounds like they watched too many episodes of “The Sopranos” while drunk!

Why do I fear such a ridiculous thing? Because that very situation is revealed in electronic messages turned over by Parnas to House impeachment investigators, and now we Trump supporters have more items to add to our “Things to Ignore” list.

Several messages are between Parnas and Robert Hyde, a hardcore Trump supporter running for a U.S. congressional seat in Connecticut. They make it sound like Hyde had people in Ukraine surveilling Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch.

One message from Hyde to Parnas reads: “She’s talked to three people. Her phone is off. Computer is off.” Hyde also referred to Yovanovitch as “that bitch” and wrote cryptically of the people he was dealing with in Ukraine: “They are willing to help if we/you would like a price. … Guess you can do anything in the Ukraine with money.”

Now look, I’m sure there’s a perfectly patriotic and hilarious explanation for those exchanges, but the Democrats and those information-obsessed media types are bound to spin some idle bro-on-bro chitchat that might sound vaguely like putting a hit on a U.S. ambassador into something negative.

Which is why we have to act fast before any more truth leaks out. We, the Trump fans, might have the inner strength to look away from details that point to a massive abuse of power and the sanctioning of dime-store-thug behavior on an international stage, but the weakling liberals out there are too chicken to wear our truth blinders.

And that’s a real threat to our president, who just Tuesday night was at a rally in Milwaukee doing all he can for the forgotten men and women of America by railing against the injustice of low-flow faucets, toilets and showers.

“Sinks, toilets and showers — you don’t get any water!” Trump said. “So we’re getting rid of the restrictors, you’re going to have full shower flow.”

Clearly, we need this man in office. House investigators say there are more Parnas documents to come, and who knows what other information might surface with each passing day. It’s imperative that we not learn that truth. We need a restrictor on information that makes the president look bad. We need low-flow truth.

So do your job, Republicans senators. Quickly end this ridiculous impeachment trial. Before the full shower of facts becomes impossible to ignore.

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